Walls come tumbling down

Have you ever looked at your life and wondered how far off track you've gotten?

When you are strong and capable, you get into the habit of putting on a facade that everything in life is hunky dory.  Sometimes it is.  Most times it's not.  The problem with this way of life is that eventually, all the balls you've been juggling for far too long end up falling all around you in spectacular fashion.

I think the term is highly functioning.  This is when, despite all indicators indicating that you are in some serious shit, you keep on doing what you've always done and pretending that there is nothing wrong.

As someone who has always been so strong, so capable, so responsible, it's probably the hardest thing in the world to admit defeat.  Because being strong makes you feel worthwhile.  If you lose that, then you lose everything.

I now find myself so far off the track that I cannot remember how to get back and I cannot figure out how, what and where things went askew, putting me on this path I now tread. Given the chance, I'd go back to that point in time and change the way I did things. But of course, that option is not available to us, no matter how hard we pray for salvation.

Anxiety is a terrible friend to have.  Once it's entered your life, it's almost impossible to get rid of. It lingers. Silently. Waiting for a sign of weakness so that it can come to the fore and wreak it's havoc even if it is for a short while. It makes you second guess all of your choices, all of your actions, all of your decisions. 

Maintaining the facade becomes a priority.  Rather than saying "I need help" you blindly move forward with the hope that things will be better tomorrow, next week, next month, or my personal favorite, any minute now.

Nine times out of ten, it never actually happens.  You keep lying to yourself and eventually you believe your own bullshit because it helps you get out bed and continue living your life.

There's a saying that tomorrow is a new day.  You learn later on, that yes, tomorrow is another day, but the shit you couldn't deal with yesterday will be there the next day, waiting.

Most of us will keep pretending to be fine. Because in reality, there are very few people with enough time and energy to take on your crap as well.

My advice? Scream into a pillow. Cry in the shower or car. Keep smiling. Remember you are not alone.  Most times.