For some time now, I have been waging a battle with dark forces. Not the star wars type forces. The far more powerful ones that can bring you to your knees and make you question your sanity.
Depression.
I have run from this monster for more years than I care to remember. For as long as I can recall my primary role in life has been the strong one, the glue that keeps the family united, the problem solver, the go to person, the fixer. I have both loved and hated the roles with equal passion.
Doing good, making a difference, helping people gives me such a buzz. On the flip side, I've learnt the hard way that you can't make everyone happy and that sometimes people have short or selective memory.
I've been very honest (I hope) about the things going on in the fringes of my life. I'm still dealing with the fallout of a trial I endured relating to sex abuse I suffered as a child. It's an awkward topic I know... No one wants to discuss it. I get it. But I need to talk about it. I'm compelled to talk about the betrayal, the pain, the damage to my psyche and esteem as a result of one perverts needs. But I say nothing lest I put someone in an embarrassing position.
Then there were the work dramas, the ones that seemed to take on a life of it's own and that to this day are causing me considerable angst and distress.
Unfortunately, for me, it has meant that I've been a woeful person to be around on the home front and I fear that my children are becoming terrified of me.
The constant anger, the yelling, the brain snaps... That's what kills me the most. They are the innocent victims of it all.
Thankfully I have a very savvy doctor, who yesterday finally called me on my own bullshitting. After seeing me countless times for migraines, blood pressure issues and dizzy spells, he finally made me see sense.
I can no longer go on pretending I don't need help, that I can cope alone, that somehow it will be alright. It won't. I won't. Unless I finally say ok. Stop. Enough is enough.
That day is now. I'm not coping. I don't have all of the answers. I need help. And that's ok.
The signs have been present for some time now, I can clearly see them. it was just easier to ignore the obvious and pretend everything was ok. Blissful ignorance. Not just for me. For everyone.
I have high hopes that the road to recovery won't be a long and drawn out process. I'm a fairly positive person, despite the depression and anxiety that gnaws at me. I have hope that I can turn the corner, but I need to make me a priority and there lies my biggest challenge.
I have made it my life's mission to always always put everyone else before me. Family, friends, work. How do you change a belief system so ingrained that the conception of me first is so alien it terrifies me??
Apparently it can be done. I'm not sure how but I guess time will tell. The thing is, motherhood marches on and I somehow have to rebuild my concept of me as a good mother so I can in fact be a good mother.
I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect mother, super mum or anything pertaining to being better than anyone else. Anyone who fancies themselves in this league is in denial and a tad deluded, no matter what their Facebook status may claim.
I just want my kids to not recoil from my touch. I want them to believe they will find sanctuary in my arms. I want to help them learn about the world and always know that I'll have their back, no matter what.
Most of all... I want to remember what it feel like to laugh until I pee my pants. I want to feel the adrenalin of spontaneity and of just having fun. For the life of me I cannot remember the last time I wasn't stressing out about something or worried about doing something for someone.
If my experience can help even one of you dear friends realise you don't need to suffer in silence, that you are not the only one, that is ok to feel like shit and hate the world, that there is hope, then I will sleep happier tonight.
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