In that light, I've decided to overhaul a number of things in my life and top of the list is dropping a few excess kilos. Well, ok. Fine. Maybe more than just a few.
Anyway. There are a number of things going on in the peripherals of my life, none more important than the fact that my youngest child starts school this year. Like. O.M.G.
Now. I have battled weight issues all my life. I do have some legitimate reasons for finding it hard to shift the weight, but at one brief, glorious point of my life, I was kinda hot. Actually, I was really hot. Ok. Fine. Really hot may be overstating the issue a bit. Hot to luke warm. A man once walked into a street sign because he was checking me out. I have witnesses who can, if required, provided a notarised statutory declaration to back up my claims. Seriously.
But that's not important right now. What is important is that I've decided to reclaim my hotness, or rather, my luke warmness and get my yummy mummy on. The thought of my child being ridiculed because mummy's ass is generous fills me with dread. Plus I want to feel good again.
So, where to begin? Well friends, this is the course of action I took. I was in a pharmacy earlier in the month and noticed that they were having a sale on one of the millions of differently branded shakes that essentially are the same thing. Buy one box and get one free. Really??? Cool, sign me up. See, it was all carefully researched and well thought out. Errrrr, ok maybe not so much, but hello??? Buy one GET ONE FREE!!
I'm now in my third week of the shakes and I'm seeing some results. You have to look really hard but I think I'm starting to see the outline of some cheekbones and the scales are advising that I have dropped some kilos. And I'm pretty sure my pants are a little loose. Ahhhh woooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooo!
The only thing is... and trust me, it's a wee little thing that doesn't really impact my life unless I cannot get access to a disabled toilet within very quick walking distance, there is one side effect. Now I know. Those toilets are there for disabled people. Trust me when I say... I need it. Besides, it's not like I'm parking in a disabled spot. Now that warrants indignation.
Has anyone heard of sorbitol? For those of you that have answered in the negative, allow me to enlighten you. It's the stuff they put in artificial sweeteners so it's sweet without the sugar content. And do you know what this stuff does to the human body? It produces anal leakage.
ANAL LEAKAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever heard of a prettier way to describe an involuntary bowel movement? I know I haven't!
Judging from the amount of times I've had to excuse myself of late, it's doing it's job. Not that I'm complaining. I bought like eight boxes of the stuff and with 20 sachets per box I have at least another month or two of a very brisk walk to the disabled loo very far from my office.
Here's the thing though. I'm actually enjoying not having to think about lunch. Plus I'm saving some $$ by not having to buy and over priced and over cooked pasta or foccacia. I'm starting to understand the science of the shakes and the effects it has on me so I can now almost time the mad dash to fit in around my appointments.
Sure, the shakes are a bit, oh I don't know, blah. But since I'm at work and that's a much bigger blah, who cares? I'm starting to feel better about things (although my bottom doesn't quite share the enthusiam) and I'm actually contemplating going bike riding with the kids. So it's all good.
One thing I can advise with authority. Consider what you put into your mouth on the days that you do the shakes. Trust me. That falafel roll with tabouli, tahini sauce and salad may make a nice break from a liquid lunch. But coming out... Different story.
And unless you want to get a written warning from management and be reported to the Department of Environment for toxic gas emissions, please, I beg you. Use the disabled toilets. It's the lesser of two evils.
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