As you may be aware, my eldest child started school recently. That has meant a new routine, fresh fears, issues not before encountered and that's just for me.
I am a full time working mother. Which is hard. Really really hard. There are only so many hours in the day and too many things on the To Do list. But I try to get through the most important of them all every day. I fail miserably, but at least I try.
So in amongst all of stuff I have to do, I managed to negotiate finishing early one day a week so I can pick up my child from school. Exciting!!!
The school drop-off and pick-up is fraught with subtext and a sort of hierarchy that exists with the parents of my particular school community. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But as an outsider looking it, I find it completely fascinating.
I realised last week on my one pick-up day, how on the fringes I really am. I'm fortunate enough to have a number of my mothers group mums at the same school. While we all catch up at kids birthdays and one mum in particular is an angel and helps me out by picking up my child once a week, it's clear I'm no longer in the 'gang' as such. I'm like the crazy second cousin once removed who pops over to a family BBQ once in a blue moon.
They ask me how work is and then resume their discussions about taking the kids swimming, dancing, gymnastics, going for coffee, going for lunch and other things that they do while I'm at work. New mums have been inducted into the group and their presence is much more important and fixed than mine will ever be. The organism known as 'Mum's Group' has evolved and grown without me.
It makes me sad, jealous and a little bit angry. Sad that I'm out of the loop. Jealous because I wish I could be more hands on as a mum. Angry because sometimes life isn't fair and things don't happen the way you had hoped and imagined.
It's not a very nice place to be sometimes. On the fringes. I think it's human nature to want to fit in, to be one of the gang and not some random person hovering on the perimeter and never getting a look in. It makes you feel like a teenager again, wanting to be one of the cool girls, the ones that everyone wants to be.
Life on the fringes can be a little isolating and cold. There is no basking in the glow of shared stories, history or excitement at future plans. It only reinforces that feeling that not only is your child missing out, but that I'm also missing out.
Still, I get to do one pick up a week. It makes my child happy. It makes me happy and it means a lot. I live in hope that one day I'll be able to do more than one pick up. And maybe do a lunch or coffee as well.
In the meantime, I remain, as ever... Mrs Nobody.
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