Location:Plenty Rd,South Morang,Australia

This is me.

I've been feeling really weird lately.  Kind of like I'm disconnected from life marching on around me. In the past month or so, I have felt the sharp sting of rejection, bubbling fury, the black fingers of depression pulling me into the abyss and above all, a sense of emptiness that I feared for a while could actually consume me.


Sometimes it sucks being a complex person in a world where people like to pretend they have the answers to everything, including what ails me. I don't feel the need to be defined by anything or anyone for that matter. 


So, in light of this, I'd like to introduce myself so that you can understand why I am the way I am.


If I was to describe myself in one word, I would say I'm passionate. Not in the sexual way, but just in the way I live my life. I don't do things by half and sometimes this leads to trouble...  Usually for me.  Sometimes for others.


I was sexually abused by a friend of a family friend when I was 8 and my life changed forever. My child's mind put that experience into a solid filing cabinet deep within my sub conscious and there it remained buried for almost 35 years.


I never told anyone about the sexual abuse.  I don't know why. How does an 8 year old child find the words to tell a parent that they had been raped when the concept of sexuality is a mystery.


As a direct result of this trauma, I became very introverted, shy and at one stage suffered from agoraphobia and suffered sever panic attacks.  This condition overtook me in my teens, probably the worst period in any person's life. I never sought help or told anyone because I thrived on acceptance and I feared that if people knew how pathetic and sad I was, I would be friendless for ever.


I spent my teenage years combating panic attacks and low self esteem. I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was worthless and ugly and no one would or could ever love someone like me.  These feelings helped me hone my razor sharp tongue and biting sarcasm. I hid my fears behind a mask of humor and was regarded as a funny person with biting wit and an extensive knowledge of of all things sexual.


Little did my classmates or friends know, that due to the abuse, I was terrified of men and the thought of even kissing one brought on a panic attack. 


I know logically that I was perhaps not as hideously ugly as the reflection in the mirror.  I had my fair share of male attention. In these instances I convinced myself that there must be something seriously wrong with the young man if he found me attractive.


And so my teenage years passed in panic and anxiety. I befriended people who quite frankly treated me like shit, mainly because I allowed them too. It was only when I was in year 11 in high school that I had the opportunity to befriend a group of girls at school who genuinely liked me.


At that point, I yearned, with every fiber of my being, to find my Prince Charming, the one man who would heal by shattered heart. But the icy fingers of fear squeezed the breath out of me every time a boy tried to talk, dance or get to know me better. I became very good at being a complete and utter bitch.  "Hurt them, before they hurt me" became my philosophy. So I spent my 20's alone and miserable, praying for the right man to come along, the one who would break through the layers of protection I had put around my heart.


Throughout this entire period, I teetered towards full blown depression and then I'd swing back to being confident. Despite all of the dramas going on in my head, I held down a full time job and had a very active social life.


People who know me think I'm tough, strong, self sufficient, loud, bossy, domineering, arrogant, aggressive, annoying and probably some stronger words could be added. Sometimes it sadness me that they fail to see that sometimes I hide behind these things because it's the only way I can cope with what life has thrown at me.


The past few years have been pretty ordinary. There are moments in life when I just want to sit in a dark room and not talk to anyone. My life is so hectic and chaotic that it's very hard to shut down my mind. As hard as I try, sometimes it's easier to let the blackness swallow me for a bit so I can stop and recover.


I don't want to complain, I have a wonderful life.  I have an amazing husband who loves me (although sometimes I wonder why), two amazing kids and a wonderful and diverse group of friends.


But even with the knowledge that I'm luckier than most, sometimes it's not enough to completely erase the feeling that one day someone's going to jump out and say "Ha ha.  Fooled you. This is NOT your life to live"


I've managed to avoid them so far. I plan to actually evict the negative forces from my life one day soon.  

Back from the beyond.

So I've been MIA for a few months.

I faced a number of hurdles that just seemed to keep on coming. Painful. Frequent. Unrelenting.

Thankfully, the panorama of my humble, suburban life has improved and I find myself in calmer waters.

I look back at the past four months and wonder how the fuck I managed to drag my sorry butt out of bed and do what needed to be done. Three words. I'm a mum.

There is no sweeter validation than having your kids tell you they love you, even after you've spent a good ten minutes raging at them for something trivial and inconsequential.

I had a few of these raging fury earlier this year. I committed the sin of punishing my babies because I was having major issues with someone I work with.

And then one morning I woke up and said 'No More!!!'

I cannot tell you how liberating it is to finally admit defeat, not only to those around you, but more importantly, to yourself.

So anyway. Long story short, I've had issues. I've stopped taking shit and have made people accountable.

And guess what??? No one cried/died/freaked out.

I'll be back with more soon!!

Succumbing to the darkness

For some time now, I have been waging a battle with dark forces. Not the star wars type forces. The far more powerful ones that can bring you to your knees and make you question your sanity.

Depression.

I have run from this monster for more years than I care to remember. For as long as I can recall my primary role in life has been the strong one, the glue that keeps the family united, the problem solver, the go to person, the fixer. I have both loved and hated the roles with equal passion.

Doing good, making a difference, helping people gives me such a buzz. On the flip side, I've learnt the hard way that you can't make everyone happy and that sometimes people have short or selective memory.

I've been very honest (I hope) about the things going on in the fringes of my life. I'm still dealing with the fallout of a trial I endured relating to sex abuse I suffered as a child. It's an awkward topic I know... No one wants to discuss it. I get it. But I need to talk about it. I'm compelled to talk about the betrayal, the pain, the damage to my psyche and esteem as a result of one perverts needs. But I say nothing lest I put someone in an embarrassing position.

Then there were the work dramas, the ones that seemed to take on a life of it's own and that to this day are causing me considerable angst and distress.

Unfortunately, for me, it has meant that I've been a woeful person to be around on the home front and I fear that my children are becoming terrified of me.

The constant anger, the yelling, the brain snaps... That's what kills me the most. They are the innocent victims of it all.

Thankfully I have a very savvy doctor, who yesterday finally called me on my own bullshitting. After seeing me countless times for migraines, blood pressure issues and dizzy spells, he finally made me see sense.

I can no longer go on pretending I don't need help, that I can cope alone, that somehow it will be alright. It won't. I won't. Unless I finally say ok. Stop. Enough is enough.

That day is now. I'm not coping. I don't have all of the answers. I need help. And that's ok.

The signs have been present for some time now, I can clearly see them. it was just easier to ignore the obvious and pretend everything was ok. Blissful ignorance. Not just for me. For everyone.

I have high hopes that the road to recovery won't be a long and drawn out process. I'm a fairly positive person, despite the depression and anxiety that gnaws at me. I have hope that I can turn the corner, but I need to make me a priority and there lies my biggest challenge.

I have made it my life's mission to always always put everyone else before me. Family, friends, work. How do you change a belief system so ingrained that the conception of me first is so alien it terrifies me??

Apparently it can be done. I'm not sure how but I guess time will tell. The thing is, motherhood marches on and I somehow have to rebuild my concept of me as a good mother so I can in fact be a good mother.

I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect mother, super mum or anything pertaining to being better than anyone else. Anyone who fancies themselves in this league is in denial and a tad deluded, no matter what their Facebook status may claim.

I just want my kids to not recoil from my touch. I want them to believe they will find sanctuary in my arms. I want to help them learn about the world and always know that I'll have their back, no matter what.

Most of all... I want to remember what it feel like to laugh until I pee my pants. I want to feel the adrenalin of spontaneity and of just having fun. For the life of me I cannot remember the last time I wasn't stressing out about something or worried about doing something for someone.

If my experience can help even one of you dear friends realise you don't need to suffer in silence, that you are not the only one, that is ok to feel like shit and hate the world, that there is hope, then I will sleep happier tonight.

Sometimes the smartest thing is to walk away

Have you ever fought for something you knew in your heart was right and found yourself battling insurmountable obstacles?

I have, for a year now, been banging my head against a brick wall to effect positive change. I have talked and talked and talked, all for nought. And I have not fought for change alone.

I have been fortunate enough to work with and along side of an inspirational woman who taught me the meaning of real leadership. The meaning of real support in the face of glaring stupidity. The meaning of friendship, in a situation so toxic it would fell lesser people.

As I prepare to walk away from the fight, I wonder what the next 6 months will bring?

I'm going to miss to miss the closeness we shared as we compared war wounds and horror stories. I'm going to miss doing what I Iove to do... Helping people and making a real difference.

I won't miss the crazies. The venom. The aggro. The stalkers.

It will be interesting watching the walls come tumbling down. The weird thing is, I feel sorry for the new incumbent who has no idea what's ahead as they take on what is left behind. How do you prepare someone for war?? Dramatic statement I know. But if I look back over the past year, I feel battle weary.

Somewhere out there, a young person blames me for their problems in life. I have become the focus of all of their anger, disappointment, vitriol and hatred. What did I do? I sent them a pro forma letter.

Anyway, that saga has not yet been resolved and continues to rage around me and I really couldn't care less.

And that's the thing that really makes me sad. The not caring part. Because I prefer to be engaged in what's going on and not just a spectator.

Never mind. New adventures await. More controversy, new battles.

At least I get to keep my friend. Coffee is going to be fun from now on!

Taking a stand for what's right

You know...  I never saw myself as an advocate.  I am loud and I am prone to voicing my opinions however taking a stand for the greater good was never on my agenda. Unfortunately, life has a way of presenting you with opportunities to right some wrongs, not only for yourself, but for people who don't know or will never know your name.

I find myself in such a situation.

I am employed in a very large institution which proudly displays a multitude of awards, particularly in the area of providing a family friendly working environment for women.  In fact, last week the head of the organisation sent around an self congratulatory email about what a wonderful place we work in and aren't we lucky? 

Ummm  well no.  

I have, for a year now, been having an ongoing battle with management about providing working mothers with flexibility around work/life balance.  I know for a fact that I am not the only working parent in my organisation facing the complex juggling act of work, kids, being an effective team member and being an effective parent.

I was told in what I know term 'Round One', that is was my choice to work and therefore I would need to make sacrifices.

Now.  I cannot stress enough how discriminatory that statement is and how incensed I was to have another woman say that to me.  I think I shook with rage for a couple of days before I could bring myself to address the matter in writing to avoid losing the plot and crying in rage.

Needless to say, things have gone steadily downhill from that point on.  I have had it pointed out to me a number of times that it's not fair for the other members of my team who don't have parental responsibilities that I be allowed to access provisions in place for parents and carers.  Really?  So in actual fact I am the one who's doing the discriminating?  I think not.

Last week, my cup runneth over.  I am no longer prepared to suffer discrimination in silence. I refuse to subject myself to subliminal intimidation for trying to access my legal entitlements in order to perform my duties as primary caregiver to my children.

Thankfully, in amongst all of the shit I've faced over the course of the past year, I've realised that I have some true friends and allies, borne of shared anger and indignation at the short sightedness of those chosen to lead.

Things are going to get very interesting in the next few months.  I'm not prepared to sit in silence any longer and have decided to take the road less travelled and stir the pot.  Formally.

My only hope is that, in the aftermath of what's to come, people will get real about the predicament faced by working parents and actually start living up to the long winded philosophies they extol on their official website and the statements they make in their applications for awards targeted at environments receptive of the term 'flexibilty'.

Yours in solidarity,

Mrs Nobody

The world as we know it

Is anyone else a little freaked out by all the natural disasters that seem to be plaguing us lately? I'm only to happy to put my hand up and admit that I've spent a number of sleepless nights quietly stressing out.

Many years ago, as a young girl, I remember watching some show about the prophecies of Nostradamus.  I remember trembling in fear as doom and the ultimate demise of the human race was depicted in the tacky way only really bad (and by bad I mean great) 70's shows could do.

In the space of one year, we've borne witness to a number of massive earthquakes, floods and cyclones.  It appears that Mother Nature is in a vengeful kind of mood and has wreaked havoc and cause more destruction in one day than any great war lord could dream of in a lifetime.

That got me thinking.  For all the power that man can create and wield (nuclear weaponry, hostile take overs, the genocide of an entire race) nothing comes close the destruction that Mother nature can create in one afternoon if the mood strikes her.

Now I'm not a scientist.  I'm not even a very clever person if truth be told. But if there's one thing that is clear after watching the horror unfold in real time in Japan last Friday, there are very few man made things what will withstand the fury of an earthquake followed by a tsunami. 

What was riveting was to witness a slow trickle of water grow into this massive crescendo of   annihilation as the water claimed almost everything in it's path.  Very few buildings were spared. Tragically, the death toll will be beyond comprehension.

It's devastating to watch peoples lives change in the blink of an eye.  We've become such real time junkies that I'd hazard a guess that very few of us watched in fascinated horror and actually acknowledged that apart from witnessing natures destructive power, we were also witnessing the death of someone.  A stranger to us, but the entire reason for living to someone else.

I find it really hard to get my head around the fact that potentially  5000+ people may have woken up on Friday morning, never realising that this was it; their last day on earth.

What has happened to us as a race?  I don't mean as Australians, Japanese, Americans etc.

I mean as humans.  At what point did we lose the way and decide that killing anyone who didn't share our core values and beliefs was wrong and needed to conform? Who decided that the only way to solve problems was to fight?  When has violence and war ever solved anything? When did money, power and greed replace decency, equality and justice?

Some time ago, a video was doing the rounds, showing returning soldiers greeting their families back home.  It's very heartwarming and moving.  But it only told one side of the story.

Every warring party will believe they are in the right. Regardless of the reasons they go to war, soldiers swear allegiance to whatever flag they fight for. They leave behind their families, not really knowing if they will ever see them again.  The risks faced by both sides is the same.  Some make it back, others do not.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the teary reunions depicted in that video has been played out in every home in ever corner of the world since time began...  regardless of what side the soldiers were on.

I guess the point I'm trying to make, and I fear I'm making it badly, is that at the end of the day we are all the same. We are made different by geography and the places we are born.  We are made different by our faith and the languages that we speak.  But fundamentally we are all still the same.  Cut us and we bleed.  Hurt us and we feel pain.  We all love.  We all have the capacity to hate. We all think we are right and everyone else is wrong.

But none of us will ever best Mother Nature.  No matter how hard we try. That was made very clear last week. She can give life and also take it away.

Something to think about.