Forgive me, but that saying is total bullshit. There is nothing in the world that is more soul destroying than a few choice words delivered like poison arrows. It erodes your self-belief, your self-confidence and can render you speechless in the blink of an eye.
I say this because last week, after what I thought was a rather funny exchange on facebook, an old friend sent me an sms telling me she was deleting the thread because I was tough on her other friend who was mentally fragile. Mind you, I was responding to her friend’s comment that I was a joke.
Now you may be asking yourself, what’s so wrong with that? Well nothing really, unless you’re me and have had enough of people calling you tough, hard arse, bitch. I think it’s fair to say that we all have a touch of the bitch in us all. I’d certainly hope so, because if being strong, proactive and creative means being labelled a bitch, then where do I sign up?
Fragility comes in all shapes and sizes and manner of people. Ditto for strength. You are never just one or the other. There are people in the world who suffer terribly from mental health issues, which thankfully, some of us will never ever experience. As someone who’s dealt with a number of mental health issues, I have made a commitment to myself to never allow my own issues to become an excuse. I’ve made a conscious decision to be a participating member of society because I believe that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Cliché I know, but true.
I think what hurt me the most, what really upset me to the point that I spent the morning in tears, was the assumption by someone that I’d shared so much with, really didn’t know a thing about what has made me the way I am today. Like I said, I don’t use these events as excuses, but every experience we have, both good and bad, has a marked influence in making us the people we are today.
I was bullied as a child, severely, continuously; a group of girls once dumped some a tub of water over my head for no reason other than they didn’t like me, they’d chant terrible things in the street. My friends from primary school abandoned me in year seven, leaving me alone every lunch until I made new friends. I had an emotionally absent mother. I could go on but I won’t. Because it really doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past.
The thing is, you develop ways to deflect the negative. You compartmentalise the bad things and file them away deep in your subconscious so that you have a chance of living a somewhat normal life while keeping a lid on the crazy buried deep within. I learnt very early on that the main person I could count on for anything is me.
You become a hard arse after a while because you develop a shell to protect yourself. People find it harder to attack someone who can stare them in the eye and say ‘Fuck You’, without verbalising it. If people feel they can be honest with me and tell me things I don’t want to hear, but if ‘it’s for my own good’ then damn it, so can I.
The conditioning over 40+ years of life experiences have made me the woman I am today. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love my family, I love my friends... And I’m really starting to love me.
I sent my friend an email that morning, letting her know that while I understood her decision came from concerns she had for her other friend, that I could no longer surround myself with people who failed to understand me. She was genuinely shocked and distressed that she’d upset me so much.
That’s the thing about getting older. You learn to be kinder to yourself and you realise that you don’t have to take people’s perceived notions of who you are. All that matters is how you see yourself. Yes, I am a hard arse, I can be a bitch, I crave vengeance at times, I have a sharp tongue and an ever sharper wit. I could have turned out much worse. But thankfully I am blessed with friends, those who really truly know me, understand that sometimes my demons get the better of me and love me anyway.
And I think that’s the thing about friends and how their words, no matter how casually delivered, can cause you more pain than a slap across the face or a punch in the guts.
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