The wonders of the human body.

No dear friends, this is not a celebration of the wonders of the human body, soul, psyche or anything of the sort.

I wish to discuss the things we never talk about: stuff that goes in and then comes out of the human body.  Tied to this theme is the greatest of all inventions:  The public toilet.

I don’t know.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say there are some things we just need to keep at home, preferably behind closed doors and without sound effects.  I mean, I know what you’re doing.  I just don’t NEED to know...  you know??

This brings me to the phenomenon widely known as the public toilets/loos/dunnies.  Don’t get me wrong, they are a vital, vital part of modern day life.  The amount of times I’ve scanned the road for a McDonalds restaurant so I can make the mad dash in to use the lavatory...  I’d need about 20 sets of hands and toes to work that one out for you.  But really, with careful planning (and a firm commitment to ease up on overly spicy food during work hours) you could probably hold off on the really toxic movements until you reach your home.  Imagine sinking into the white porcelain and being totally relaxed.  Your bowels (and the public in general) would thank you for your consideration.

I’m driven to discuss this for two reasons.  The public restroom at my place of work is next door to the office.  Today I ducked in for a quick pit stop and was greeted by the plopping sounds of a chockito hitting the water (poo for those of you who miss my meaning).  One whiff I knew exactly what the occupant had consumed for dinner and let me tell you, I think she overdid the mint jelly on the roast lamb.  Not what I needed at 10am.

I’m a big believer in mind control.  Allow me to share a story with you all.  I was born on another continent and as a single girl I spent many years delving into my cultural homeland by frequently visiting.  Now, I adore my family.  Love them to the moon and back.  Unfortunately, you become very accustomed to the lifestyle we are lucky to have here in Australia.  When you decide to see the world, you experience and see things you may never ever EVER see here. 

So one year, I made a surprise visit to see the family.  As luck would have it, that year they had planned a getaway to the country, staying in the ‘holiday house’ of a family friend.  So off I went, to visit them all for a week.  To my horror, when I arrived, the only toilet on the property was in the kitchen, separated from the cooker with a curtain.  Like...  O M G.  Furthermore friends, it did not flush.  You had to fill the cistern with a bucket of water from the creek to flush away the stuff, so the house rule was only number ones in the house; number twos’ had to use the outside toilet.

By this stage I was desperate to get back on the plane and come back to the safety of my ensuite, instead I let my cousins take me to the outside toilet, which turned out to be a lean-to above the river below, covered in ants, spiders and rotting wood with a bird’s eye view to the running water below.  I’m sorry but WHAT THE FUCK???????

So I held on people.  Not number ones but definitely number twos.  The mind control, especially at night, was my greatest feat.  No amount of cramps or spasms could bring me to use that outhouse.  Five nights, I held on.  The level of commitment and mental toughness I invested in those five days...  I can’t even tell you.

Granted, when we finally returned to civilisation, the explosion in that tiny little room was probably felt in the neighbouring countries.  But I had a flushing loo and privacy.

So please, I beg you.  Mind over matter.  It’s not that hard.  Really.  There are some things in life that just don’t need to be shared.  The chronic overuse of spices in this day and age has made this situation worse.  Cumin is NOT your friend as it exits the body.  Neither is curry or garam marsala  I’m still suffering post traumatic stress at the smells I experienced as a child at the ladies toilets at Myer in Bourke Street.  Granny poo.  Bad, bad, bad. 

I apologise in advance if you’re eating while you’re reading this.  My bad.